Shani's Memorial

A few months ago, when I was reviewing the laws of mourning, I came across an interesting halacha in the Mishneh Torah. In Hilchos Avel 4:4* the Rambam writes:

We make markings on the graves, and we place a tombstone on the grave. For tzadikim we do not build a tombstone on their graves; their devarim are their memorials ...

I assumed that the word "devarim" referred to the divrei Torah and divrei chochmah that were said by the tzadikim during their lifetime. This led me to wonder why the halacha was formulated in terms of tzadikim and not talmidei chachamim. I also wondered why the halacha was formulated as "we do not build a tombstone [on the graves of tzadikim]." What would be wrong with making a tombstone in addition to their devarim being their memorials?

This morning I decided to browse the nosei kelim to see if they shed any light on this halacha. Thanks to the Kesef Mishneh, I found a tshuvah of the Rivash (siman 421) which provided a helpful explanation. According to the Rivash, when the Rambam spoke about the "devarim" of the tzadikim, he was referring to all of their "maaseihem ha'tovim" (their good actions) - not just their divrei chochmah. He explains that unlike average people, tzadikim don't need tombstones in order to be remembered, since their actions serve as their memorial.

All of this made sense on a purely intellectual level, but it wasn't until this week that I finally appreciated what the Rambam meant.

Today the Feder family got up from sitting shivah for Shani Feder a"h. Over the past week we have seen a great outpouring of feelings and memories from those who knew and loved Shani. These hespedim have had a ripple effect: even those who didn't know Shani, or only knew her peripherally, have been deeply moved by hearing what type of person she was. Rafi K. epitomized this phenomenon in his comments on my initial blog post:

Beautiful post, thank you for writing this up. For me, Shani's hesped was the only one I can remember that served to elevate my soul. Even in her passing, the mentioning and recognition of her outstanding qualities is an inspiration to us all, and helps us focus on serving Hashem.

This is what the Rambam was talking about when he said that the "devarim of tzadikim are their memorial." Hundreds of individuals have been (and will continue to be) inspired by the devarim of Shani - both her maasim tovim and her chochmah. I haven't been able to pay a shivah call, but I have no doubt that the Feder home has been packed with people who have been influenced by Shani's devarim. "Remembering Shani" has, to this date, received close to 2500 hits since its creation on Friday. Hundreds of us have experienced the same type of inspiration of which Rafi K. spoke.

But all of this is insignificant next to the true memorial: Shani's descendants. Shani's devarim will live on in her children, her grandchildren, all of their offspring. It is clear to everyone that all three of Shani's children have learned a lot from their mother during her time on this earth. This is the toras ha'eim ("mother's teaching") that Elie referred to in his hesped. Her grandchildren will, in turn, learn Shani's toras ha'eim from their parents. They will then transmit these same principles and qualities to their children, and so on. In this manner, Shani's devarim will continue to shape the lives and souls of countless generations.

Perhaps this is why, in the case of a tzadik, we specifically do not build a tombstone as a memorial. The tombstone functions as a memorial in a very restricted way. When people see it, memories are awakened in their minds, along with all of the thoughts and feelings associated with those memories. But these recollections are transient and have very little effect outside of the inner experiences of the living. Moreover, their range is very limited: the tombstone only functions as a memorial for the people who actually knew the deceased during his or her lifetime; for everyone else, the tombstone is just an inscription on a rock.

In contrast, the devarim of the tzadikim are a true memorial. These devarim exist not only in the memories of loved ones, but they continue to have a beneficial impact on reality itself. In this sense, these devarim stand as a far superior memorial to the life of a tzadik than a mere stone on a grave. Even the people who didn't know the tzadik or who lived at a later time will be affected by his devarim.

This is certainly true of Shani's devarim. For example, many people have noted that Shani always greeted every person with a cheerful countenance (see Avos 1:15), no matter how much pain and suffering she felt on the inside. Elie, Zahava, and David all embody this characteristic, and it is clear that they got it from their mother. Another example: Shani always prioritized the needs of others over her own. I see this in Shani's children as well, especially in watching them raise their children. The same is true of Shani's equanimity, her chesed, her modesty, her love for her family, and all of her other wonderful principles and traits. All of these devarim will stand for generations as a memorial for the life Shani lived.

Chazal teach that tzadikim, even in their death, are called "living." With Hashem's help, Shani's memory will live on in the lives of her children, grandchildren, and future descendants. They are her true memorial.

Shani with four of her grandchildren.

* In case you were wondering, the minhag Yisrael for many centuries has been to make tombstones for all graves, even those of tzadikim. See Iggros Moshe YD 4:57 for an explanation of the current practice.