Marshall's Memories

I never saw Shani unhappy. Who wouldn't pay through the nose to have that disposition, despite decades of ailments and surgeries! Such a fine character, is life itself. And after hearing how her sons dedicated time to learn with her, how much richer was her life. 

When I paid her a visit once at her home, she was surprised I was there for her, and not to see Mendy. Very humble indeed. But she was not meek. Her humility was intelligent. She was not humble in the least when it came to making others feel important. Then, she was courageous and confident in her words. She made us all center-focus with that warm, endearing "Shani smile!" She made us feel important, and happy. Why did she do that? Because she dearly cared for others. She loved people, not just relatives.

She never spoke bad about a soul. Shani was above petty issues. Who today is this true about?

There are few people I know of her caliber. I am fortunate to have her memory as an inspiration.

-Marshall

Memories from Cousin Harriet

Shani,

Her name evokes a special feeling for me because her persona was pure “chein”, no pretense, no anger, just pure sweetness and an indomitable spirit. I can’t believe she is gone from this world at the young age of 57. She had so much more to live for, so much nachas yet to enjoy.

Shani had a very hard 20 years in terms of health. She was in and out of hospitals and doctors' offices. She was totally fluent in all the nuances of her illness, bright and capable, not squeamish, even when it came to putting in her own PICC line. She “rolled with the punches” so to speak even though the punches were too numerous to count. She seemed to accept her lot and never ever complained. I never saw her without a smile, even if she was uncomfortable and in pain. She made light of her troubles and always asked how I was doing. I loved going there for my weekly Shabbos visits. We had good “heartzig” talks and shared our feelings openly. She was easygoing and very welcoming to whoever came to visit and people were drawn to her. She had numerous friends and was a gracious hostess. Everything was “no big deal”.

Although we were first cousins, our friendship really coalesced when we went on a cruise together in 2007. After one particularly grueling and bumpy ride in a jeep, where she and I laughed throughout while others complained, I told her that I had a newfound respect for her. She never got upset, just treated every complaint with a smile and total equanimity. She and Mendy had a special relationship. There was great love evident to all. She took care of him and catered to every whim. He fought to protect her with all of his might and considerable knowledge. Theirs was a very strong bond, and a very special relationship. 

Shani and Mendy in Portofino, Italy

Shani was inspirational in every way. She was always well dressed – hat and scarf to match . During our Pesach vacations in the Nevele, Shani came down every day in a beautiful outfit, nothing ostentatious but always refined and elegant and perfectly coordinated. Our cousins, Resa and Ellen. and I marveled at how she put it all together with ease.

Yet it was Shani’s smile and even temperament that made her beloved to all. Her composure, friendliness, and acceptance of everyone and everything that came her way, made her a truly exceptional human being and a sought after “close” friend.

I loved watching “Savti” enjoy her nachas as her grandchildren gathered around her. Those were great moments of joy for her. Her extremely close connection with her children Elie, Zahava and David was to be admired. I must say, I pushed her to move here to be with them and we often discussed what a good move it was indeed. Their spouses Aliza, Hindy and Marc add so much to the family dynamic and she often told me how much she treasured them and how lucky she was.

There is a “hole in my heart” and a void in my life. I feel blessed to be among the hundreds she was “close to”.

- Harriet Keilson

Shani, when I first met her, with Mendy.

Shani, Esther, and Chani

Shani

Even my iPad knows how to spell your name

You were so much a part of my life. We met on a train station first week of 9th grade. Standing on Newkirk ave waiting for the M train to get to central. Who was that beautiful blond sophisticated well dressed girl? She seemed older than me. We introduced ourselves. I was eating a Milky Way, as Shani always reminded me. This was the beginning of an unbreakable 44 year friendship. We truly loved each other as sisters. There was nothing that would break us. We were know as Shani, Chani and Esther. Our moms would laugh about our threesome. How special we all were to each other. Whether we spoke 5 times a day or not for a while, it was always like we spoke a minute before. We were a friendship that people were jealous of. Old classmates couldn't believe how close we remained and marveled at our relationships. There were no secrets between us, we were each others confidants. There was almost nothing that we didn't share. Whether through tears or laughs we were always together. Shani was the unique, the most positive person one could meet, never uttering a word of discontent or complaint. No matter how bad things were, she would say all is fine, I am good, TG. When Esther and I would try to talk seriously about her ails, she would say, let's talk about you guys, never wanting pity and never wanting her children to worry and be concerned. It was all about everyone else, never wanting to be a burden. Esther and I would say, she was not within the norm, never complain? We would always say to her, you can complain to us, we are here for you. 

We have had the most amazing friendship. Most people never have a privilege to experience a relationship like our threesome. We were totally connected at all times. Our lives will never be the same. A limb has been cut off.

Some Thoughts on Happiness

The following is an email sent by Shani to her children two years ago, prior to a surgery that she knew was life-threatening. 

Just a happy mothers day note from dear old mom.( although i decided not to send on mothers day)

I am awed by watching the miraculous order of G-ds nature unfolding in my backyard- u can see thru out nature , a mothers job is to give her child wings ,teach them to fly and watch them soar.Each year I watch the swans- hatch ugly ducklings- teach them to hunt 4 food and when strong enough teach them to fly. Then they turn into beautiful swans and fly off to start their own lives (so it seems) .

Fortunately children may leave the nest-- but dont always leave the neighborhood.- and I have really had the zichus to watch u all SOAR. I just have a few words of motherly advice , as you soar--- . (Its not torah me sinai-- -that your father and rabbiem have taught u well and i in turn have learned much from u.-- but) just some thoughts on happiness.

Enjoy and cherish every day- dont worry so much about 2morrow - on what might or might not happen- Do the best u can - but-- if you focus your worry on 2morrow - it makes u lose today AND 2morrow-- If something bad is going to happen it will happen u wont b able to deny it- at least u have 2day and so many wonderful things happen in TODAY

If something bad or unexpected happens You will deal with it - you r stronger then u think and maybe, some good will even come from it. Only G-d knows what lies ahead, whats just around the corner.

WE CANNOT WRITE THE SCRIPT We dont even always know what is good or bad sometimes its a matter of a persons perspective on life--- and whats truly important to them -one can only strive for the Best Torah Life

Always thank G-d for all the good that u have (and 4 the bad that u dont have) Nothing is a given --Appreciate it all - but try not to judge people

who don't seem to-- u NEVER really know what their true circumstances are- BUT-- do try to treat them as u would like them to treat u- (G-d created all of us)

And of course--try to do things with a smile- --nobody likes a grump ----your words of wisdom (and even help and criticism) are better accepted if given with a smile.

OK enough preaching--- I could keep going - but as u realize thats not the point of this message- (i can take lessons from u all on these topics) As I hope u realize the point of this all is to simply say----- I thank G-d every day that I am truly blessed with happiness(to b cliche- Yiddeshe Nachas)- - ---- Bumps in the road are just that and make me appreciate what i have more. I am sorry for how they affect u and ur father. My wings may b clipped 4 a short time but G-D willing all will b well (even better ---i hope and pray---- no pain no gain as they say)

So shut off this computer and go teach my grandchildren to Fly........ with G-ds help i will b there very soon to help love the tough old bird

In Memory of Shani (from Kankan Ne'lam)

Originally posted here, on Kankan Ne'lam.

Yesterday we received the horrible news that Shani Feder (a"h) passed away. Shani was the wife of Rabbi Mendy Feder, the mother of Rabbi Elie Feder, Rabbi David Feder, and Zahava Goldberg, and a beloved friend to everyone in our community. Though I am unqualified to write an actual hesped, I cannot let this tragedy pass without at least expressing the impression that Shani had on me, personally.

וְתוֹרַת חֶסֶד עַל לְשׁוֹנָהּ 

I came to yeshiva straight out of high school. I was 18 years old, and it was the first time I had ever lived away from home. The Feders were one of the first yeshiva families I met. They had me and my friends over for Shabbos meals on a regular basis, and I'd like to try to describe what that was like.

To say that Shani made us "feel at home" would be trite. Shani made us feel like we were returning home - like we were being lovingly welcomed back into our own house after being away. The homesickness I sometimes experienced in my first years of yeshiva would evaporate the moment I set foot in the Feder abode.

But even this description doesn't quite capture the emotional experience of Shani's hospitality. Now that I think about it, I'd describe the feeling as, "Going to visit Uncle Mendy and Aunt Shani for Shabbos" . . . not that I have an uncle or aunt whom I was able to visit, but this is what I imagine that experience to be like.

And at the same time that Shani provided such emotional warmth, she also treated us like kings! Not only did she make some of the tastiest food I've eaten this side of the Mississippi (and always in abundant quantities) but she always made sure to make our favorite dishes, and to cater to our every need - all with the most casual, natural, down-to-earth sense of chesed, without the slightest trace of pride.

As a guest in the Feder home, I felt absolutely no pressure - just total relaxation and pleasantness. I've been to homes where it feels like the hostess is trying to impress her guests, or that she's expecting something in exchange for the kindness she provides. None of this was true at the Feders. Shani and Mendy wanted nothing more than for us to enjoy ourselves, and that is exactly what we did.

Over the next eleven years, the Feders would continue to host me, my brother, and our parents. Shani and my mom became good friends, and I always got the sense that they stayed up talking late into the night, like high school girls at a sleepover. When my dad would visit, he and Mendy would talk politics and we'd get to sit back and watch the show.

It was Shani's chesed - as manifest in her hachnasas orchim - that helped make my transition into the yeshiva community and my life after high school so much easier. I'm going to miss the warmth of Shani's Shabbos table, and I'm going to miss being the recipient of her wonderful toras chesed.

נוֹדָע בַּשְּׁעָרִים בַּעְלָהּ


If you only ever met the other members of the Feder family (Mendy, Elie, David, and Zahava) but never met Shani, you would easily infer that she was an eishes chayil.

In my mind, the Feders represent the ideal of what it means to be a "Torah family." As everyone knows, her husband and children are all chachamim, devoted to the study and practice of Torah. The anecdotes shared at her hesped showed that her top priority was her family's commitment to Torah. Even when she was in terrible pain, she was concerned about her husband and her sons missing out on Torah opportunities.

Shani didn't just support Torah out of a feeling of obligation. She had her own love for Torah-learning as well. Whenever we'd go over to the Feders for Shabbos, and Mendy would give a dvar Torah (which was more on the intellectual scope of a shiur), Shani would be rapt with attention - not out of a forced sense of obligation, but because she actually wanted to hear the ideas.

It wasn't until hearing the hespedim today that I finally understood the pasuk in Eishes Chayil: "נוֹדָע בַּשְּׁעָרִים בַּעְלָהּ בְּשִׁבְתּוֹ עִם זִקְנֵי אָרֶץ" - "Her husband is known in the gates when he sits with the elders of the land" (Mishlei 31:23). This seems more like a praise of the husband than of his wife!

But in truth, it takes an eishes chayil to produce a husband who is distinguished among the chachamim of the land. Were it not for Shani's complete devotion to her family's relationship with Torah - both on the practical level of facilitating their learning, and in terms of instilling a love of Torah in her children - then we would not have the Feder Torah that we continue to enjoy today. Whenever I admire the qualities of the Feder family, I imagine a little message at the bottom of the screen saying, "This production is brought to you in part by Shani Feder."

In Shani and Mendy I saw what meant to have an eizer kenegdo. They were a team, and a true inspiration.

וַתִּשְׂחַק לְיוֹם אַחֲרוֹן

Shlomo ha'Melech writes ahout the eishes chayil: "עֹז וְהָדָר לְבוּשָׁהּ וַתִּשְׂחַק לְיוֹם אַחֲרוֹן" - "Strength and majesty are her clothing, and she laughs at the final day" (ibid. 31:25).

I knew that Shani had been sick for a number of years, but I didn't know the extent of her illness. In Mendy's hesped of his wife, he said that she had been in a continual state of pain for the past 20 years. She'd had over a 100 surgical procedures, spent over 200 nights in the hospital, had undergone a kidney transplant eight years ago and was scheduled for another one in the near future. And yet, as her family pointed out, she never complained. Never. And I believe it.

When I heard this, I was reminded of Iyov:

Iyov's three friends heard about this total calamity that had befallen him ... They gathered together to go and mourn with him and comfort him. They raised their eyes from a distance, but did not recognize him. They raised their voices and wept, each man rent his caot, and they threw dust over their heads toward heaven. They sat with him on the ground for a period of three days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, for they saw that his pain was very great. After that, Iyov opened his mouth and cursed his day (2:11-14).

Iyov suffered the loss of his property and his children without blaspheming Hashem, but physical pain was too much for him to endure. Thank God, my family and I have enjoyed good health for my entire life. I have never experienced real physical pain, nor have I had to watch my family suffer such pain. I can only imagine what it is like. For someone to be suffering as much pain as Shani, and to be able to face it with courage, dignity, and a smile on her face - that is truly remarkable.

Based on what I gathered from the hespedim, Shani knew that her time on this earth was limited. Ever since her illness began to dictate the course of her life twenty years ago, she knew that each day might be her last. And yet, she was able to maintain a sunny, positive, and thankful disposition for all that time. She was able to maintain her values and ideas, even when faced with the greatest suffering. That, I believe, is the "strength and majesty" mentioned in the pasuk.

I think the pshat of "she laughs at the final day" means that if you live life in a manner consistent with your values and your ideas, and if you are truly sameach b'chelko and thankful for what God has given you, then you can face anything with equanimity and joy - even your own death. Ibn Ezra (the real one - not the fake one in the Mikraos Gedolos) explains that the eishes chayil is able to laugh with joy in the face of death because she is "gvirah b'chochmah u'v'yiras Hashem" (strong in wisdom and fear of God). Shani Feder exhibited this strength throughout her lifetime, even when she was on the threshold of death.

At the very end, when Shani had collapsed in pain and was teetering on the brink of consciousness, Mendy asked her, "Shani, where are you?" and she responded, "I'm in the garden of Eden." We cannot know what Shani was thinking at that time, but we do know that she was a Feder - not a mystic. Personally, I like to believe that her response indicates that she was not in pain when she departed from this existence.

Shani, we will miss you dearly. Thank you for enriching our lives with your own. May your family and friends be comforted from heaven.

Shani's Levaya

Click here to download the audio file of the levaya. Email me at rememberingshani@gmail.com if you have trouble with the file.