Yesterday we received the horrible news that Shani Feder (a"h) passed away. Shani was the wife of Rabbi Mendy Feder, the mother of Rabbi Elie Feder, Rabbi David Feder, and Zahava Goldberg, and a beloved friend to everyone in our community. Though I am unqualified to write an actual hesped, I cannot let this tragedy pass without at least expressing the impression that Shani had on me, personally.
I came to yeshiva straight out of high school. I was 18 years old, and it was the first time I had ever lived away from home. The Feders were one of the first yeshiva families I met. They had me and my friends over for Shabbos meals on a regular basis, and I'd like to try to describe what that was like.
To say that Shani made us "feel at home" would be trite. Shani made us feel like we were returning home - like we were being lovingly welcomed back into our own house after being away. The homesickness I sometimes experienced in my first years of yeshiva would evaporate the moment I set foot in the Feder abode.
But even this description doesn't quite capture the emotional experience of Shani's hospitality. Now that I think about it, I'd describe the feeling as, "Going to visit Uncle Mendy and Aunt Shani for Shabbos" . . . not that I have an uncle or aunt whom I was able to visit, but this is what I imagine that experience to be like.
And at the same time that Shani provided such emotional warmth, she also treated us like kings! Not only did she make some of the tastiest food I've eaten this side of the Mississippi (and always in abundant quantities) but she always made sure to make our favorite dishes, and to cater to our every need - all with the most casual, natural, down-to-earth sense of chesed, without the slightest trace of pride.
As a guest in the Feder home, I felt absolutely no pressure - just total relaxation and pleasantness. I've been to homes where it feels like the hostess is trying to impress her guests, or that she's expecting something in exchange for the kindness she provides. None of this was true at the Feders. Shani and Mendy wanted nothing more than for us to enjoy ourselves, and that is exactly what we did.
Over the next eleven years, the Feders would continue to host me, my brother, and our parents. Shani and my mom became good friends, and I always got the sense that they stayed up talking late into the night, like high school girls at a sleepover. When my dad would visit, he and Mendy would talk politics and we'd get to sit back and watch the show.
It was Shani's chesed - as manifest in her hachnasas orchim - that helped make my transition into the yeshiva community and my life after high school so much easier. I'm going to miss the warmth of Shani's Shabbos table, and I'm going to miss being the recipient of her wonderful toras chesed.
נוֹדָע בַּשְּׁעָרִים בַּעְלָהּ
If you only ever met the other members of the Feder family (Mendy, Elie, David, and Zahava) but never met Shani, you would easily infer that she was an eishes chayil.
In my mind, the Feders represent the ideal of what it means to be a "Torah family." As everyone knows, her husband and children are all chachamim, devoted to the study and practice of Torah. The anecdotes shared at her hesped showed that her top priority was her family's commitment to Torah. Even when she was in terrible pain, she was concerned about her husband and her sons missing out on Torah opportunities.
Shani didn't just support Torah out of a feeling of obligation. She had her own love for Torah-learning as well. Whenever we'd go over to the Feders for Shabbos, and Mendy would give a dvar Torah (which was more on the intellectual scope of a shiur), Shani would be rapt with attention - not out of a forced sense of obligation, but because she actually wanted to hear the ideas.
It wasn't until hearing the hespedim today that I finally understood the pasuk in Eishes Chayil: "נוֹדָע בַּשְּׁעָרִים בַּעְלָהּ בְּשִׁבְתּוֹ עִם זִקְנֵי אָרֶץ" - "Her husband is known in the gates when he sits with the elders of the land" (Mishlei 31:23). This seems more like a praise of the husband than of his wife!
But in truth, it takes an eishes chayil to produce a husband who is distinguished among the chachamim of the land. Were it not for Shani's complete devotion to her family's relationship with Torah - both on the practical level of facilitating their learning, and in terms of instilling a love of Torah in her children - then we would not have the Feder Torah that we continue to enjoy today. Whenever I admire the qualities of the Feder family, I imagine a little message at the bottom of the screen saying, "This production is brought to you in part by Shani Feder."
In Shani and Mendy I saw what meant to have an eizer kenegdo. They were a team, and a true inspiration.
וַתִּשְׂחַק לְיוֹם אַחֲרוֹן
Shlomo ha'Melech writes ahout the eishes chayil: "עֹז וְהָדָר לְבוּשָׁהּ וַתִּשְׂחַק לְיוֹם אַחֲרוֹן" - "Strength and majesty are her clothing, and she laughs at the final day" (ibid. 31:25).
I knew that Shani had been sick for a number of years, but I didn't know the extent of her illness. In Mendy's hesped of his wife, he said that she had been in a continual state of pain for the past 20 years. She'd had over a 100 surgical procedures, spent over 200 nights in the hospital, had undergone a kidney transplant eight years ago and was scheduled for another one in the near future. And yet, as her family pointed out, she never complained. Never. And I believe it.
When I heard this, I was reminded of Iyov:
Based on what I gathered from the hespedim, Shani knew that her time on this earth was limited. Ever since her illness began to dictate the course of her life twenty years ago, she knew that each day might be her last. And yet, she was able to maintain a sunny, positive, and thankful disposition for all that time. She was able to maintain her values and ideas, even when faced with the greatest suffering. That, I believe, is the "strength and majesty" mentioned in the pasuk.
I think the pshat of "she laughs at the final day" means that if you live life in a manner consistent with your values and your ideas, and if you are truly sameach b'chelko and thankful for what God has given you, then you can face anything with equanimity and joy - even your own death. Ibn Ezra (the real one - not the fake one in the Mikraos Gedolos) explains that the eishes chayil is able to laugh with joy in the face of death because she is "gvirah b'chochmah u'v'yiras Hashem" (strong in wisdom and fear of God). Shani Feder exhibited this strength throughout her lifetime, even when she was on the threshold of death.
At the very end, when Shani had collapsed in pain and was teetering on the brink of consciousness, Mendy asked her, "Shani, where are you?" and she responded, "I'm in the garden of Eden." We cannot know what Shani was thinking at that time, but we do know that she was a Feder - not a mystic. Personally, I like to believe that her response indicates that she was not in pain when she departed from this existence.
Shani, we will miss you dearly. Thank you for enriching our lives with your own. May your family and friends be comforted from heaven.
Shani didn't just support Torah out of a feeling of obligation. She had her own love for Torah-learning as well. Whenever we'd go over to the Feders for Shabbos, and Mendy would give a dvar Torah (which was more on the intellectual scope of a shiur), Shani would be rapt with attention - not out of a forced sense of obligation, but because she actually wanted to hear the ideas.
It wasn't until hearing the hespedim today that I finally understood the pasuk in Eishes Chayil: "נוֹדָע בַּשְּׁעָרִים בַּעְלָהּ בְּשִׁבְתּוֹ עִם זִקְנֵי אָרֶץ" - "Her husband is known in the gates when he sits with the elders of the land" (Mishlei 31:23). This seems more like a praise of the husband than of his wife!
But in truth, it takes an eishes chayil to produce a husband who is distinguished among the chachamim of the land. Were it not for Shani's complete devotion to her family's relationship with Torah - both on the practical level of facilitating their learning, and in terms of instilling a love of Torah in her children - then we would not have the Feder Torah that we continue to enjoy today. Whenever I admire the qualities of the Feder family, I imagine a little message at the bottom of the screen saying, "This production is brought to you in part by Shani Feder."
In Shani and Mendy I saw what meant to have an eizer kenegdo. They were a team, and a true inspiration.
וַתִּשְׂחַק לְיוֹם אַחֲרוֹן
Shlomo ha'Melech writes ahout the eishes chayil: "עֹז וְהָדָר לְבוּשָׁהּ וַתִּשְׂחַק לְיוֹם אַחֲרוֹן" - "Strength and majesty are her clothing, and she laughs at the final day" (ibid. 31:25).
I knew that Shani had been sick for a number of years, but I didn't know the extent of her illness. In Mendy's hesped of his wife, he said that she had been in a continual state of pain for the past 20 years. She'd had over a 100 surgical procedures, spent over 200 nights in the hospital, had undergone a kidney transplant eight years ago and was scheduled for another one in the near future. And yet, as her family pointed out, she never complained. Never. And I believe it.
When I heard this, I was reminded of Iyov:
Iyov's three friends heard about this total calamity that had befallen him ... They gathered together to go and mourn with him and comfort him. They raised their eyes from a distance, but did not recognize him. They raised their voices and wept, each man rent his caot, and they threw dust over their heads toward heaven. They sat with him on the ground for a period of three days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, for they saw that his pain was very great. After that, Iyov opened his mouth and cursed his day (2:11-14).Iyov suffered the loss of his property and his children without blaspheming Hashem, but physical pain was too much for him to endure. Thank God, my family and I have enjoyed good health for my entire life. I have never experienced real physical pain, nor have I had to watch my family suffer such pain. I can only imagine what it is like. For someone to be suffering as much pain as Shani, and to be able to face it with courage, dignity, and a smile on her face - that is truly remarkable.
Based on what I gathered from the hespedim, Shani knew that her time on this earth was limited. Ever since her illness began to dictate the course of her life twenty years ago, she knew that each day might be her last. And yet, she was able to maintain a sunny, positive, and thankful disposition for all that time. She was able to maintain her values and ideas, even when faced with the greatest suffering. That, I believe, is the "strength and majesty" mentioned in the pasuk.
I think the pshat of "she laughs at the final day" means that if you live life in a manner consistent with your values and your ideas, and if you are truly sameach b'chelko and thankful for what God has given you, then you can face anything with equanimity and joy - even your own death. Ibn Ezra (the real one - not the fake one in the Mikraos Gedolos) explains that the eishes chayil is able to laugh with joy in the face of death because she is "gvirah b'chochmah u'v'yiras Hashem" (strong in wisdom and fear of God). Shani Feder exhibited this strength throughout her lifetime, even when she was on the threshold of death.
At the very end, when Shani had collapsed in pain and was teetering on the brink of consciousness, Mendy asked her, "Shani, where are you?" and she responded, "I'm in the garden of Eden." We cannot know what Shani was thinking at that time, but we do know that she was a Feder - not a mystic. Personally, I like to believe that her response indicates that she was not in pain when she departed from this existence.
Shani, we will miss you dearly. Thank you for enriching our lives with your own. May your family and friends be comforted from heaven.
Beautiful post, thank you for writing this up. For me, Shani's hesped was the only one I can remember that served to elevate my soul. Even in her passing, the mentioning and recognition of her outstanding qualities is an inspiration to us all, and helps us focus on serving H'.
ReplyDelete-- Rafi K.