11th Yahrtzeit Shiur: Two Aspects of Nichum Aveilim

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10th Yahrtzeit Shiur: Hakaras Hatov

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9th Yahrtzeit Shiur: Bnos Tzlofchod

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8th Yahrtzeit Shiur: Parenting with Mishlei

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7th Yahrzeit Shiur: 17th of Tammuz and Raising Pigs

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6th Yahrzeit Shiur: How is it Possible to Love Your Friend as Yourself?

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5th Yahrzeit Shiur: The Rosh Chodesh Woman

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4th Yahrzeit Shiur: Some Thoughts on Happiness

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Click here to download the source sheet.

3rd Yahrzeit Shiur: Some Thoughts on Happiness and Freedom

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2nd Yahrzeit Shiur: The Role of Discipline in Parenting

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Tzedakah in Memory of Shani

Marci Bleicher asked me to post the following on the blog:

For Ari's Yahrtzeit today, I donated to the fund in Shani' memory, as she meant so much to us. I miss them both. 

- Marci Bleicher 

For more information on the tzedakah campaign, click here.

Shiur: Don't Judge your Friend until you Reach His Place

Click here for a shiur given by Rabbi Elie Feder, in loving memory of their mother a"h.

First Yahrtzeit Shiur: What is Ayin Hara and how can we avoid it?

Click here for a shiur on Ayin Hara given by Rabbi Elie Feder to Zahava and friends, in memory of the first yahrtzeit of their mother a"h.

Shani's Yahrzeit 5774

Today was Shani's yahrzeit. David, Mendy, and Elie spoke. Click here for a link to download David's and Mendy's speeches, and click here for a link to download Elie's speech.

Shani Tribute

Click here for a link to download this image. The original image is bigger.

Journal from Shani's Memorial Dinner

Click here to view the journal from the Yeshiva Bnei Torah Chanukas Habayis Dedication Dinner in memory of Shani.

Audio from YBT Dinner in Memory of Shani

Click here (then click "download") to listen to the speeches from the Yeshiva Bnei Torah Chanukas Habayis Dedication Dinner in memory of Shani.

The Warmth of Shani - by Chaviva

I am enlightened by all the stories I hear about Shani. Shani made me feel like I was part of the Feder family. Through her kindness, thoughtfulness and generosity when she would have me over, I knew I was always invited to family meals. She had me over for Thanksgiving meals, Yom Tov meals and many get-togethers. I remember one Thanksgiving I was late to the Feder family meal. After everyone ate soup Shani was expecting me and kept the soup on the burner. When I arrived she asked me if I would like some and I ate her scrumptious vegetable soup. When I would leave she would always say “You're invited any time,” or “Come any time.” and I know she meant it. 

Shani is one of the warmest people I have ever known and will ever know. Through the detailed questions she would ask about my life, I saw she truly cared about me and what I was doing. She would always have great perspective on things. Shani would ask what I was up to, really thought about my answers and responded with chachma. I remember before the summer explaining to her that I would be teaching immigrants and she showed much interest in it. She then gave me advice similar to that of my professors. But she didn't only show interest in me. Hearing this same thought from many people who knew her, it is apparent that Shani cared about every person, how they were and what they were up to.

Shani’s family is a reflection of what kind of person she was. She loved them, was close to them and really cared about them, and they for her. They are devoted to learning Torah and are Baalei Chasadim, as she was. Her grandchildren loved “Savti” and really appreciated her warmth and care for them. Just a few weeks ago Hillel (her 2 year old grandson) and I were looking through family pictures and I was asking him who everyone is. I pointed to Shani and he said “Savti” and looked up at me with a smile. It was apparent that even baby Hillel loves her so much. I admire Shani tremendously. We should all use her example to better ourselves and improve the way we relate to others.

From Nancy

July 2013

Dear Shani,

Our friendship was a very close and comfortable one. I think the reason was because we felt like family.

I always tried to stay in touch with you but staying in touch was at times difficult. There were those days or even weeks when I would leave messages with no return phone calls. I knew there were things going on and you did not feel well. However, as soon as you felt better, your call would come and of course we would catch up with each other. No problem.

I would say how are things? You would answer hectic. I knew the word hectic was an understatement.

In your case it could mean a life saving procedure, an operation or even a transplant. Shani - speaking to you, I had no clue about the seriousness of what you may have gone through. You would say to me or I would say let’s meet for lunch and off we would go. You would ask - Nancy where do you want to go? What time is good for you? It was never about you - Shani. You were always thinking about what’s good for me.

We would meet. You always looked beautiful. Your hat matched your scarf that matched your sweater that matched your skirt that matched your shoes, and of course that matched your bag. You even had a 14K gold medical alert bracelet! Only you! More importantly, you were as beautiful on the inside as you were on the outside.

The time we spent together was so special for me and I hope it also gave you a little respite from the medical issues you faced every day. We spoke about the kids, the grandkids you loved so much, shopping, recipes and if a Yom Tov was on the horizon, we spoke about who was coming and who was going. All the usual stuff. However, with you Shani, the usual stuff became very special stuff.

You would often say to me -Nancy- I can’t worry about tomorrow because if I do than I cannot appreciate today and today is going very well for me. What more can I ask for. You faced whatever came your way with strength, courage, dignity and tremendous Faith in Hashem. You were gentle and kind but strong when you had to be. You faced each problem, overcame it and was ready for the next challenge. You always said with Mendy in your corner, fighting for you, caring for you and loving you everything would be okay.

Shani - my dear close and comfortable friend-you have taught me so many life lessons. Lessons that will be with me forever . It has been a true privilege to have known you.

So Shani-my close and comfortable friend – I will miss you tremendously .

Nancy Irom

From Joanie Weissman

Shani and I went to Central Brooklyn together we were part of a group of Chavie, Chanie, Shani, Essy, Etty, Gittie, Betty and Joan.  It's already clear how well I fit it just by virtue of the fact that my name didn't end in an ee sound. But Shani ALWAYS made me feel comfortable throughout the four years of high school. She was sweet warm and genuine, and she never had a bad thing to say about anyone.

Some years went by and I found myself moving into Willowbrook, Staten Island.My husband's brother lived here and it seemed like the perfect place to raise a family.

We had moved in on June 3rd and a few later I received an invitation to the Young Israel women's League luncheon at someone's house with a pool. It sounded lovely but I was too shy to just go by myself, so I didn't.

But ten minutes to lunch my doorbell rang and there was Shani. "Come on," she said, "We're going to the luncheon." "But, but, but," I sputtered on. "No buts," she said, and literally took my hand, helped me dress my baby, then we got into her car where she dropped my son off at a woman's house who was baby sitting for this event.

Shani took me to the luncheon where I met lots of new people and actually made a few new friends. Shani didn't just talk about doing the right thing she DID it.

Over the next few years we shared some odd medical experiences. It was good to have someone to laugh about them with. Shani exemplified courage and in such a quiet way.

She will be missed dearly.

- Joanie Weissman               

YBT Campaign

Feder Family

37 Harborview West

Lawrence, NY 11559

Dear Family and Friends-
 
I am writing with a broken heart and with great sadness. The crown of my life has been shattered. My loving wife and childhood sweetheart has been taken from me on the eve of our 39th wedding anniversary. We were eagerly looking forward to her second kidney transplant.

It is a very difficult time for our family and I honestly do not know how I can move forward without her. However, I feel compelled to do something appropriate to honor and eternalize her memory. I think it would be a great honor to have the newly constructed Yeshiva Bnei Torah building located in Far Rockaway dedicated in her memory. I thank the Rosh Hayeshiva and the administration for granting us this great kavod acharon.

The Yeshiva has played a special role in Shani and our family’s lives. It is a very unique institution whose musmachim are well respected in the Jewish Community for their rational Torah scholarship and voice of reason in tumultuous times.

Shani had a very special place in her heart for the Rosh Yeshiva, his family and the extended Yeshiva Community. She undoubtedly would be greatly gratified by this honor. A portion of the funds raised in furtherance of this dedication will be designated to the Yeshiva gmach. It will help unfortunate families with their medical bills in their time of need. Shani lived her life as a paradigm of chesed and would certainly appreciate this.

It is a very large undertaking but I feel compelled to do something significant in memory of my aishes chayil. I am confident that all who knew and loved Shani will want to participate in honoring her memory. Please be certain that I am fully aware of these trying times as I am also financially challenged. In the event one wants to participate in this campaign but is burdened by other financial obligations, please feel free to pledge over a period of time. I have undertaken to pledge $50,000 over a period of a few years.  May G-d grant me the ability to increase my participation in the future.  In addition, Shani's loving brother, Joe Beer, along with his wife Sheila and children Danny & Abby, Lauren and Michael have also pledged $50,000.

Anyone who works for a company that offers matching funds for donations, please contact your company when you make your donation. The Yeshiva will fill out the required paperwork to accommodate the donation.

I have never in my life asked people for donations. I always felt uncomfortable to burden people when there are so many deserving causes. However, I feel this is a great honor to the love of my life, a very special person who touched us all and will be missed greatly. Your participation is appreciated. Please make your donations payable to Yeshiva Bnei Torah and note in memory of Shani Feder. You can send the donations directly to my home at 37 Harborview West, Lawrence N.Y. 11559. Please indicate if you would like to make any pledges over a period of time.
 

           Your participation is greatly appreciated.
Mendy Feder

Rav Elie and Aliza Feder

Marc and Zahava Goldberg

David and Hindi Feder

Shloshim (Audio)

Click here to download the audio files from the event held on Shani's shloshim.

A Daughter of Sarah - by Rabbi Aaron Zimmer

This post is written in memory of Shani Feder a"h.

The Torah in Chayei Sarah (24:67)  tells us about Yitzchak's reaction to meeting his new bride, Rivka, in one short verse that contains three elements:

 וַיְבִאֶהָ יִצְחָק, הָאֹהֱלָה שָׂרָה אִמּוֹ, וַיִּקַּח אֶת רִבְקָה וַתְּהִי לוֹ לְאִשָּׁה, וַיֶּאֱהָבֶהָ; וַיִּנָּחֵם יִצְחָק, אַחֲרֵי אִמּוֹ

Yitzchak brought Rivka into the tent of his mother Sarah, then he marries her and loves her, and then he is comforted after the loss of his mother.

Why did Yitzchak bring Rivka into Sarah's tent?  Why does the Torah tell us that he loved his wife?  In general, the Torah does not go out of its way to tell us things that we would already have known, like the fact that a man loves his wife.  What exactly was it that comforted Yitzchak and gave him consolation after the death of his mother?  What is the relationship between the three elements mentioned in the verse?

In order to understand the nature of Yitzchak's consolation, we must first turn our attention to his loss, Sarah his mother. We will begin with Rashi's explanation of the the enigmatic phrase "הָאֹהֱלָה שָׂרָה אִמּוֹ" (lit. the tent Sarah his mother):

האהלה שרה אמו: ויביאה האהלה ונעשית דוגמת שרה אמו, כלומר והרי היא שרה אמו, שכל זמן ששרה קיימת היה נר דלוק מערב שבת לערב שבת, וברכה מצויה בעיסה, וענן קשור על האהל, ומשמתה פסקו, וכשבאת רבקה חזרו

He brought her to the tent and she became just like Sarah his mother (and behold, she was Sarah his mother).  As long as Sarah was alive, a candle burned from one eve of Shabbos to the next, a blessing was found in the dough, and a cloud was attached to the tent.  When she died, these things ceased, and when Rivka came, they resumed.

It is no accident that Rashi is describing Sarah's tent in a similar manner that the Torah describes the tent that her children later built as a resting place for the שכינה (Divine Presence), which also had a candelabra, a table with bread, and a cloud attached to it.  This is consistent with Rashi's explanation (on the gemara Shabbos 55b) of the שכינה being found in the tents of Yaakov's wives: עד שלא נבנה אהל מועד היתה שכינה מצויה באהלי צדיקים

Yitzchak was mourning the loss of his mother, because when Sarah departed the שכינה left with her.  The שכינה dwelt in the tent of Sarah, and it was not the same tent without her.  Gone were the Shabbos candles that lasted all week; the bread no longer had the same taste.  Everything was different, because without Sarah there was no שכינה.

In order to understand the relationship between the presence of Sarah and the presence of the שכינה, we need to appreciate the experience of being in Abraham and Sarah's tent.  We need to appreciate what it really meant to be in the presence of Sarah.  Fortunately, the Torah describes for us in vivid details one such afternoon in Abraham and Sarah's tent.

It was a hot sunny day with few travelers, and things were slow in the tent of Abraham and Sarah.  Abraham sees three men, and immediately tries to persuade them to take a break and grab a quick bite.  As soon as the travelers acquiesce, Abraham and Sarah's operation kicks into high gear.

 וַיְמַהֵר אַבְרָהָם הָאֹהֱלָה, אֶל שָׂרָה; וַיֹּאמֶר, מַהֲרִי שְׁלֹשׁ סְאִים קֶמַח סֹלֶת לוּשִׁי, וַעֲשִׂי עֻגוֹת.   וְאֶל הַבָּקָר, רָץ אַבְרָהָם; וַיִּקַּח בֶּן בָּקָר רַךְ וָטוֹב, וַיִּתֵּן אֶל הַנַּעַר, וַיְמַהֵר, לַעֲשׂוֹת אֹתוֹ.   וַיִּקַּח חֶמְאָה וְחָלָב, וּבֶן הַבָּקָר אֲשֶׁר עָשָׂה, וַיִּתֵּן, לִפְנֵיהֶם; וְהוּא עֹמֵד עֲלֵיהֶם תַּחַת הָעֵץ, וַיֹּאכֵלוּ.   וַיֹּאמְרוּ אֵלָיו, אַיֵּה שָׂרָה אִשְׁתֶּךָ; וַיֹּאמֶר, הִנֵּה בָאֹהֶל

Abraham hastens to the tent to tell Sarah about their new guests.  She quickly starts baking a separate loaf of her famous bread for each traveler.   According to Rashi, Abraham prepared three separate calves, so that each guest could get the best cut of meat.  It had to be the best meat and it had to be the best sauce.  Each guest had to have their favorite dish.  Sure there would be extra food left over, but that was price you paid for your guests.  That is how things were done in Abraham and Sarah's tent.

If that was how a stranger was treated, we can only imagine what it meant to be part of Abraham and Sarah's household.  The Rambam tells us (A.Z. 1:14) that their household comprised tens of thousands of people (עד שנתקבצו אליו אלפים ורבבות והם אנשי בית אברהם).  What was their method?   How did they have such a large household?

Rashi explains the verse in Lech Lecha (12:5) that states that Abraham and Sarah took the "souls they made" and traveled to Canaan:

אשר עשו בחרן: שהכניסן תחת כנפי השכינה, אברהם מגייר את האנשים, ושרה מגיירת הנשים, ומעלה עליהם הכתוב כאלו עשאום

Abraham would bring the men under the wings of the שכינה, and Sarah would bring the women.  Together, they became the parents of many new souls.  Everyone was Abraham's son.  Everyone was Sarah's daughter.  They extended their family with no limit, until they brought everyone they could into their household; until they introduced them all to the ways of the שכינה.  

The Rambam explains in the Laws of Personality Traits (1:6-7) that the ways of Abraham and Sarah are identical to the ways of the שכינה.

כך למדו בפירוש מצוה זו. מה הוא נקרא חנון אף אתה היה חנון. מה הוא נקרא רחום אף אתה היה רחום. מה הוא נקרא קדוש אף אתה היה קדוש...ולפי שהשמות האלו נקרא בהן היוצר והם הדרך הבינונית שאנו חייבין ללכת בה נקראת דרך זו דרך ה'. והיא שלמד אברהם אבינו לבניו שנאמר כי ידעתיו למען אשר יצוה

Abraham and Sarah adopted many sons and daughters and taught them the ways of the שכינה.  We know that Abraham taught classes to his sons, and maybe Sarah did the same for her daughters.  Or perhaps Sarah just brought her daughters under the wings of the שכינה using her more subtle methods; having a conversation with you, asking you if you wanted a coffee, or maybe it was just the light in her eyes and the smile on her face.

There was no limit to how many people Sarah could love; no limit to how many sons and daughters she could adopt.  The more children she loved, the more room in her heart there was for more.  When Hashem finally blessed her with her own cherished son, Yitzchak, her initial reaction was to think about other people (21:6):

וַתֹּאמֶר שָׂרָה צְחֹק עָשָׂה לִי אֱלֹהִים כָּל הַשֹּׁמֵעַ יִצֲחַק לִי

Sarah was happy because everyone else was happy for her.  Was there ever a happier household in history than the tent of Abraham and Sarah on the day Yitzchak was born?  Sarah was a person that everyone could be happy for, because she was only happy for them!  Sarah loved them and they loved her.  There was no pettiness or jealousy between Sarah and all her best friends (and everyone was Sarah's best friend).

Sarah was a unique individual.  A woman who embodied the very essence of kindness and dignity.  When you entered into her kitchen to talk to her, you were introduced to a personality that radiated the ways of the שכינה.  The way of life that Abraham and Sarah lived, their actions and their speech, were identical to the ways of Hashem.  If you wanted to greet the face of the שכינה, you went to Sarah's tent.  If you wanted to learn the behavior of the שכינה, the proper ways for a person to imitate, you went to Sarah.  She was a personification of the שכינה itself.  Truly, the שכינה dwelt in the tent of Sarah our mother.

But on that one dark day that Sarah died, it all changed.  No longer did the Shabbos candles last all week. Of course, Abraham tried his best.  Of course he lit Shabbos candles, but by the next morning the flame was out.  The bread he baked for the guests just didn't taste the same.  Running the tent of Abraham and Sarah was not a one man operation.  It took both Abraham and Sarah to run the show.  When Sarah departed,  the cloud departed.  Without Sarah in the tent, there was no שכינה in the tent.

How great was Abraham and Yitzchak's pain?  How great was the sadness and mourning by all of Sarah's children?  The show could not continue without her.  She was simply irreplaceable, and there had never before been anyone like her.   The Ramban says that this sad state of affairs persisted for a long time.  Yitzchak refused to be consoled, as his grief was too great.  He was not just mourning the loss of his mother Sarah, but the loss of the שכינה from her tent.

Then Rivka came, and accomplished the impossible.  She entered Sarah's tent and the שכינה entered with her.  The cloud returned, and the Shabbos candles lasted all week.  The bread she made for the guests reminded everyone of Sarah's famous bread.  ויביאה האהלה ונעשית דוגמת שרה אמו, כלומר והרי היא שרה אמו. Yitzchak was amazed.  Could it really be true?  Another Sarah?

What comforted Yitzchak was the discovery that while Sarah herself might be gone, her character traits and personality lived on in her descendants. (Rashi says that Rivka was the granddaughter of Sarah's sister). Yes, Sarah was the first of her kind, but she would not be the last of her kind.  There would be others like her, with whom the שכינה would dwell.

Unfortunately, the era of the שכינה dwelling in the tent of Abraham and Sarah was over, but a new era had begun.  The שכינה would now dwell in the tent of Yitzchak and Rivka.  Time moves on, but the personality and soul of Sarah persists through the next generation, and it will remain forever in her offspring.  There will always be daughters of Sarah throughout the generations.

All of Sarah's children partake of her qualities to some degree, but some of them do so to an exceptionally high degree, where the resemblance is unmistakable.  Shani Feder was a true daughter of Sarah.  If you wanted to know what it meant to walk into Sarah's tent and see the smile on her face as she greeted you, you merely had to walk into Shani's kitchen.  All who wanted to learn the ways of the שכינה, knew where to go. The שכינה continued to dwell with the daughter of Sarah.

How great is our loss!  We mourn not just the loss of Shani, but the loss of a daughter of Sarah our mother. We mourn the loss of the שכינה she brought into her house.  Where will we go when we need to see her face smiling at us?  Where will we go when we need to be in her presence?

There can only be one consolation for us, and it is none other than that which consoled Yitzchak.  Shani is gone, but if there is one thing Sarah did best, it was to transmit her personality and perfections to others; to her children and family, to her adopted children and extended family, to her many best friends, and to all those who came into contact with her.

Shani the daughter of Sarah is gone, but the שכינה will return to the houses of those that follow in her ways.  This, and only this, can comfort our bereaved hearts.  May Hashem console us after Shani's passing, as He consoled Yitzchak after his mother Sarah's passing.

My "New Old Friend" - by Terri Schneeweiss

When my son Matt left home to study at YBT over a decade ago, I felt the pain of the separation that generations of moms have felt when their oldest child leaves home. I was excited at his anticipation about starting this part of his young adult life; I knew he would be fine and learn so much and meet new friends. As he began "introducing" me by phone to many of the families that invited him to Shabbos meals, I felt less stressed knowing, as would any Jewish mom, that my son was at least eating well.

One family he mentioned frequently was the Feder family, especially Shani, Mom Extraordinaire. "Mom, you have to meet her, you would really love her." I did and I do. How fortunate I was to meet such a "new old friend" in the senior years of my life. She and Mendy hosted our family for many meals and for many Shabbos stays during our visits from Seattle to spend time with Matt and Jon. She and I shared so many laugh-and-anecdote-filled hours of our lives; I miss her wise feedback and contagious good humor and serene humility. I prayed daily for her health. The news of her passing stunned me, even though I knew she was very ill. 

 
I miss my friend Shani very, very much, my "new old friend" who I knew for such a short time and yet as if forever. During our "confabs" her expressive eyes did most of the talking and always, always there was that smile, warm and caring, upturned at the corners as if hiding secret chortles remembered from past conversations. When she asked me how I was, she listened with her whole heart to my answers and wasn't just trying to be polite. She really did care how I was. And in nearly every conversation, she somehow deflected any praise away from herself; during every visit, she reminded me how my two sons reflected my own middos, Torah values, goodwill, integrity, and intellect. I often echoed those thoughts back to her about her own legacy; hearing the loving words of her family as they bid farewell to her confirmed that her spirit will always be with them and with us.

Shani Feder's wisdom and strength stays with all of us who were blessed to know her. Surely she is soaring now, having broken through the shackles of pain that bound her to this earth. I saved her last voicemail to me; we'd been unable to see each other during my last visit five months ago. She sounded happy and peaceful, positive and encouraging as always and, appropriately (as I'm from Hawaii), she signed off saying "Aloha". There's an old song about what "Aloha" means - goodbye, good night, hello, welcome … but also - I love you, until we meet again. 

So indeed, Shani, ALOHA … with much love from your new old friend, 

Terri.

In Honor of Shani (by Flo Fruchter)

Although I only had the pleasure of meeting Shani 11 ½ years ago at the wedding of my niece, Aliza & Elie, it felt as if I knew her much longer. From the moment we met I had always felt a strong connection to Shani. Her warmth and graciousness were qualities that you noticed immediately. Shani’s kindness and caring were evident in everything she did, and every conversation I had with her. Shani was wise beyond her years, and instinctively knew what people needed. After Ayala was born, Shani made sure that Aliza & Elie would feel welcome to stay with Shani & Mendy, until Aliza was ready to return home. Not only did Shani welcome her new granddaughter Ayala, but made sure to tell Mindy & Gershon, Nava, & Chaviva that she wanted them to come as often as they wanted. Mindy A”H passed away 10 years ago, and since that day Shani was Aliza’s “other mother”. Shani gave me the title of “other Savti”. We shared “nachat stories” about Aliza & Elie’s children. I loved seeing Shani enjoy her grandchildren at a family bris, birthday parties & siddur plays. Her life was all about her family, and her love for them. They in turn loved her deeply. It’s hard to imagine a world without Shani’s brightness. I loved her very much, and miss her tremendously.

Thank You, Shani (by Aryeh Edelman)

Mendy, Elie, Zahava and David,

Wish there were words that could do justice to the feelings I have about your loss. Many of my earliest memories are in your home in Staten Island. Your mother always knew what to say and do to make us feel happy and comfortable. Despite the many years that have passed, I have always had a special place in my heart for Shani. She played a big role in my growth and maturation as a child and always played a central role in my parents' life on a regular basis. I am forever indebted to her for that. Was so elated to see her at Tani's wedding this past March and to preserve in my mind the image of her celebrating at such a beautiful simcha. Our hearts are with you. May Hashem bless you with true nechama and the strength to carry on Shani's legacy.

Shani was Sunshine (by Estee Lichter)

To me, Shani was sunshine. 

I brought her cookies a few weeks ago on a Friday. Soft, spiced, oatmeal raisin -- Zahava thought she would like them.

I had thought Bebe might open the door, as Shani had been resting the last time I had come by. But Shani herself opened the door, smiling as if she had been waiting for me, even though I was unannounced.

We stood and chatted by the door. I did not want to impose on her, again, having not phoned to say I was coming. But Shani was so welcoming that I just allowed myself to enjoy her company.

She inhaled deeply of the cup which held the cookies, and smiled, and said that she always liked to smell her food. She said Elie liked to smell his food too. I told her I had been reading a book about taste recently, and we chatted about the senses of smell and taste.

As we spoke, I marveled at this little lady. I knew she was sick. But a lady she was, so fine, so sweet and so pleasant, even as she spoke about the problems she was having with her vision. I did not want to keep her, to make her stand, but the smiles she gave me were so warm, so full of light and friendliness, that I just basked in it.

I loved that conversation with her. The sun was warm outside, the air was beautiful, and the greenery outside was swaying softly, but the person I was with was more radiant than it all. I smiled for hours afterwards. She was a beautiful person. I felt she loved me. I have come to see that everyone who knew her felt that way too.

Love from Linda

As I get up from shiva for my mother, also Raizel, I marvel at how many similar qualities she and Shani shared. Friendship. They always made you feel that what you were saying and how you were feeling was the most important thing to them. When Esther came to pay a shiva visit to my sister and me, she commented that Esther, Channie and Shani were always best friends. It reminded me of something Mark Weiss said at Howie`s lavaya. He said that everyone believed that they were Howie`s best friend. So too with Shani, we all believed that Shani loved us the most. SELFLESSNESS. Shani and my mother were selfless and caring and positive people, with an inner strength that I saw in my mother as a Holocaust survior and in Shani as a thirty year warrior in her battle with a disease she fought so bravely to erraticate. I am trying so hard to follow Shani`s words of wisdom. Enjoy today and do not worry about tomorrow. If we spend today worrying about tomorrow, we will lose today AND tomorrow. But right now I only feel lost, because I just lost my two best friends.  

-- Linda

Women's Shiur in Memory of Shani

When our mother was very ill around 5 years ago, our father started giving a weekly women's shiur over the phone to our mother's friends. Upon her recovery, our mother also participated and enjoyed it greatly. The shiur will continue, l'zecher nishmasa.

It is given at 8:30 PM on Tuesday nights (tonight included) and is approximately 1 hour. It is on chumash, hashkafa, tefilla, and various other topics. The call in number is 218-936-4343, with a pin# of 7630910.

All interested are invited to call in.

- Elie, David and Zahava Feder

Shani's Memorial

A few months ago, when I was reviewing the laws of mourning, I came across an interesting halacha in the Mishneh Torah. In Hilchos Avel 4:4* the Rambam writes:

We make markings on the graves, and we place a tombstone on the grave. For tzadikim we do not build a tombstone on their graves; their devarim are their memorials ...

I assumed that the word "devarim" referred to the divrei Torah and divrei chochmah that were said by the tzadikim during their lifetime. This led me to wonder why the halacha was formulated in terms of tzadikim and not talmidei chachamim. I also wondered why the halacha was formulated as "we do not build a tombstone [on the graves of tzadikim]." What would be wrong with making a tombstone in addition to their devarim being their memorials?

This morning I decided to browse the nosei kelim to see if they shed any light on this halacha. Thanks to the Kesef Mishneh, I found a tshuvah of the Rivash (siman 421) which provided a helpful explanation. According to the Rivash, when the Rambam spoke about the "devarim" of the tzadikim, he was referring to all of their "maaseihem ha'tovim" (their good actions) - not just their divrei chochmah. He explains that unlike average people, tzadikim don't need tombstones in order to be remembered, since their actions serve as their memorial.

All of this made sense on a purely intellectual level, but it wasn't until this week that I finally appreciated what the Rambam meant.

Today the Feder family got up from sitting shivah for Shani Feder a"h. Over the past week we have seen a great outpouring of feelings and memories from those who knew and loved Shani. These hespedim have had a ripple effect: even those who didn't know Shani, or only knew her peripherally, have been deeply moved by hearing what type of person she was. Rafi K. epitomized this phenomenon in his comments on my initial blog post:

Beautiful post, thank you for writing this up. For me, Shani's hesped was the only one I can remember that served to elevate my soul. Even in her passing, the mentioning and recognition of her outstanding qualities is an inspiration to us all, and helps us focus on serving Hashem.

This is what the Rambam was talking about when he said that the "devarim of tzadikim are their memorial." Hundreds of individuals have been (and will continue to be) inspired by the devarim of Shani - both her maasim tovim and her chochmah. I haven't been able to pay a shivah call, but I have no doubt that the Feder home has been packed with people who have been influenced by Shani's devarim. "Remembering Shani" has, to this date, received close to 2500 hits since its creation on Friday. Hundreds of us have experienced the same type of inspiration of which Rafi K. spoke.

But all of this is insignificant next to the true memorial: Shani's descendants. Shani's devarim will live on in her children, her grandchildren, all of their offspring. It is clear to everyone that all three of Shani's children have learned a lot from their mother during her time on this earth. This is the toras ha'eim ("mother's teaching") that Elie referred to in his hesped. Her grandchildren will, in turn, learn Shani's toras ha'eim from their parents. They will then transmit these same principles and qualities to their children, and so on. In this manner, Shani's devarim will continue to shape the lives and souls of countless generations.

Perhaps this is why, in the case of a tzadik, we specifically do not build a tombstone as a memorial. The tombstone functions as a memorial in a very restricted way. When people see it, memories are awakened in their minds, along with all of the thoughts and feelings associated with those memories. But these recollections are transient and have very little effect outside of the inner experiences of the living. Moreover, their range is very limited: the tombstone only functions as a memorial for the people who actually knew the deceased during his or her lifetime; for everyone else, the tombstone is just an inscription on a rock.

In contrast, the devarim of the tzadikim are a true memorial. These devarim exist not only in the memories of loved ones, but they continue to have a beneficial impact on reality itself. In this sense, these devarim stand as a far superior memorial to the life of a tzadik than a mere stone on a grave. Even the people who didn't know the tzadik or who lived at a later time will be affected by his devarim.

This is certainly true of Shani's devarim. For example, many people have noted that Shani always greeted every person with a cheerful countenance (see Avos 1:15), no matter how much pain and suffering she felt on the inside. Elie, Zahava, and David all embody this characteristic, and it is clear that they got it from their mother. Another example: Shani always prioritized the needs of others over her own. I see this in Shani's children as well, especially in watching them raise their children. The same is true of Shani's equanimity, her chesed, her modesty, her love for her family, and all of her other wonderful principles and traits. All of these devarim will stand for generations as a memorial for the life Shani lived.

Chazal teach that tzadikim, even in their death, are called "living." With Hashem's help, Shani's memory will live on in the lives of her children, grandchildren, and future descendants. They are her true memorial.

Shani with four of her grandchildren.

* In case you were wondering, the minhag Yisrael for many centuries has been to make tombstones for all graves, even those of tzadikim. See Iggros Moshe YD 4:57 for an explanation of the current practice.

Letter from Zahava to James Lapin (Shani's Kidney Donor)

Dear Mr. Lapin,

On behalf of my brothers and I, I would like to extend Hakaras Hatov to you. Although
words cannot adequately express how grateful we are to you, I would like to try.

I would firstly like to tell you a little bit about the wonderful person you are helping. Our mother has been sick for a great part of my childhood. And although she was always visiting doctors, passing kidney stones, taking medications causing her hair to thin, face and legs to swell up, she was never our "sick" mother. She made our lives and herself as normal as any other. We never really knew if she was not feeling well or too tired to cook dinner, drive carpool, take us shopping, and everything else a mother does. She did not want her children to have that burden, and we truly did not. Not only however is she not a "sick" mother but she is the most giving, loving mother to us. My mother is honestly my best friend. Now that I am a mother myself I am grateful to have such a great role model to guide me. My mother is not only an amazing mother to us but she is as dedicated to her grandchildren. "Savti" is a vital part of our children's lives. With her amazing enthusiasm she is constantly showering them with love, attention, and of course presents! With your gift we look forward to having her continue to guide us with her love and wisdom for many more years to come.

Besides for being a special mother, she is simply a very special woman. Throughout my life I have met friends, acquaintances, and strangers all telling me different stories demonstrating my mother's kindness and sensitivity. She is always involved in helping others. She is a real sweetheart. I don't really think my words can capture her character. But I would like you to know that she is very special.

Once again I would like to thank you. It takes an extraordinary, selfless, kind person to do such a tremendous chesed. I would also like to thank your family, especially your wife for supporting you in this undertaking. As a wife and mother I can only imagine the inner strength necessary to be part of such an endeavor. Everyday when I daven for the health of my mother and family I also pray for you. I wish you a full and speedy recovery.

Thank you again,

Zahava Goldberg

Esther's Recollections

It’s six am and of course I can’t sleep. I’m in Texarkana so somehow the events of the past 24 hours don’t seem real to me yet. I am thinking back over forty-four years. I remember as if it were yesterday the carefree days of high school where three girls met and became best friends. Shani-Chani-Esther; I didn't fit the rhyme scheme but still we were as one.

How can I describe Shani in those days? I can show you pictures but still you won’t understand; so blonde, so beautiful, so full of fun and life and laughter. We were all so innocent and naive and blissfully unaware of life’s hardships that were to come. I guess that’s the way it’s supposed to be. Shani was the first of us to get engaged, get married and have a child. Mendy said she was his childhood sweetheart. He was head over heels in love with her then and always. 

Certain images flash through my mind: 

Cutting school when Shani’s parents were on vacation-- hanging out at her house, going to Coney Island, to the movies, to Kings Plaza—and never getting caught. 

Wearing a path thin between our houses walking to visit each other every Shabbos.

Learning about “life” from Shani’s more worldly next door neighbor Audrey.

Shani arriving late one night to show off her sparkling new engagement ring.

Shopping for gowns our first time as bridesmaids.

Shani newly pregnant at my wedding.

Elie’s bris in a snowstorm.

David’s Bar Mitzvah again in a snowstorm.

We shared each other’s good times--children being born, Bar Mitzvahs, Bat Mitzvahs, weddings, grandchildren; and we sustained each other during the hard times.

Shani was sick for so many years but her illness did not define who she was; she wouldn't let it. She fiercely protected her children from her reality because that was what felt right to her. A mom should be a nurturer and not a burden to her kids. Shani taught us all lessons in courage and bravery. Not even those closest to her knew the extent of her daily pain and suffering. If you asked her how she was she would deflect you with an upbeat answer. She was always okay. You had to really press her to get a semblance of the truth and I believe she only shared that with a select few. During all the trials of endless hospitalizations, surgeries, and close to the brink experiences, we always believed Shani would persevere. How could it be otherwise? Her will to live was so strong that we thought she was invincible, and in truth how could we go on without her? As Chani said, she feels like she lost a limb. I guess that’s how it feels when you lose one of your best friends.

My Friend Shani (by Gittie Farkas)

My Friend Shani

For four years of high school, Shani sat behind me in class.  A for Alster, B for Beer.  We had loads of fun, and got into tons of trouble.  I was always the instigator, but Shani was always up for a good time.  Our friendship endured for the 44 years since that first day in class. It started in high school, and continued through college years, our marriages, children and grandchildren.  We couldn't wait to share the news with each other when one of us had a new grandchild.  We didn't see each other often because of physical distance, but when we spoke every few weeks it was if we lived next door to each other. Shani had closer friends than me, but none who loved her more.

As you've heard over and over, her life was her family.  She was so incredibly proud of her children, and so madly in love with each and every one of her grandchildren. Her Mendy was her childhood sweetheart, her Prince and her Protector.  That he saved and extended her life many times over, we are all aware.  But it's the quality of life that he provided her that deserves the credit. Nothing was too good for her, no vacation out of reach.

I haven't stopped crying since we lost her, but I've come to realize that I'm not crying for her. She is finally pain free and doesn't have to put on a brave face for all those around her.  I am crying for me, and for all of you, and our tremendous loss. She represented to me all that was goodness, kindness and loyalty in a person.  To some, that might sound melodramatic, but to anyone who knew Shani it is an understatement and an inspiration.  Over the years, there were many incidents with people we knew, and  you never heard a judgmental word out of her.  

She believed the best of everyone, and in turn everyone loved her for it.

Shani you will be sorely missed, and I promise never forgotten.

Much love,

Gittie

Marshall's Memories

I never saw Shani unhappy. Who wouldn't pay through the nose to have that disposition, despite decades of ailments and surgeries! Such a fine character, is life itself. And after hearing how her sons dedicated time to learn with her, how much richer was her life. 

When I paid her a visit once at her home, she was surprised I was there for her, and not to see Mendy. Very humble indeed. But she was not meek. Her humility was intelligent. She was not humble in the least when it came to making others feel important. Then, she was courageous and confident in her words. She made us all center-focus with that warm, endearing "Shani smile!" She made us feel important, and happy. Why did she do that? Because she dearly cared for others. She loved people, not just relatives.

She never spoke bad about a soul. Shani was above petty issues. Who today is this true about?

There are few people I know of her caliber. I am fortunate to have her memory as an inspiration.

-Marshall

Memories from Cousin Harriet

Shani,

Her name evokes a special feeling for me because her persona was pure “chein”, no pretense, no anger, just pure sweetness and an indomitable spirit. I can’t believe she is gone from this world at the young age of 57. She had so much more to live for, so much nachas yet to enjoy.

Shani had a very hard 20 years in terms of health. She was in and out of hospitals and doctors' offices. She was totally fluent in all the nuances of her illness, bright and capable, not squeamish, even when it came to putting in her own PICC line. She “rolled with the punches” so to speak even though the punches were too numerous to count. She seemed to accept her lot and never ever complained. I never saw her without a smile, even if she was uncomfortable and in pain. She made light of her troubles and always asked how I was doing. I loved going there for my weekly Shabbos visits. We had good “heartzig” talks and shared our feelings openly. She was easygoing and very welcoming to whoever came to visit and people were drawn to her. She had numerous friends and was a gracious hostess. Everything was “no big deal”.

Although we were first cousins, our friendship really coalesced when we went on a cruise together in 2007. After one particularly grueling and bumpy ride in a jeep, where she and I laughed throughout while others complained, I told her that I had a newfound respect for her. She never got upset, just treated every complaint with a smile and total equanimity. She and Mendy had a special relationship. There was great love evident to all. She took care of him and catered to every whim. He fought to protect her with all of his might and considerable knowledge. Theirs was a very strong bond, and a very special relationship. 

Shani and Mendy in Portofino, Italy

Shani was inspirational in every way. She was always well dressed – hat and scarf to match . During our Pesach vacations in the Nevele, Shani came down every day in a beautiful outfit, nothing ostentatious but always refined and elegant and perfectly coordinated. Our cousins, Resa and Ellen. and I marveled at how she put it all together with ease.

Yet it was Shani’s smile and even temperament that made her beloved to all. Her composure, friendliness, and acceptance of everyone and everything that came her way, made her a truly exceptional human being and a sought after “close” friend.

I loved watching “Savti” enjoy her nachas as her grandchildren gathered around her. Those were great moments of joy for her. Her extremely close connection with her children Elie, Zahava and David was to be admired. I must say, I pushed her to move here to be with them and we often discussed what a good move it was indeed. Their spouses Aliza, Hindy and Marc add so much to the family dynamic and she often told me how much she treasured them and how lucky she was.

There is a “hole in my heart” and a void in my life. I feel blessed to be among the hundreds she was “close to”.

- Harriet Keilson

Shani, when I first met her, with Mendy.

Shani, Esther, and Chani

Shani

Even my iPad knows how to spell your name

You were so much a part of my life. We met on a train station first week of 9th grade. Standing on Newkirk ave waiting for the M train to get to central. Who was that beautiful blond sophisticated well dressed girl? She seemed older than me. We introduced ourselves. I was eating a Milky Way, as Shani always reminded me. This was the beginning of an unbreakable 44 year friendship. We truly loved each other as sisters. There was nothing that would break us. We were know as Shani, Chani and Esther. Our moms would laugh about our threesome. How special we all were to each other. Whether we spoke 5 times a day or not for a while, it was always like we spoke a minute before. We were a friendship that people were jealous of. Old classmates couldn't believe how close we remained and marveled at our relationships. There were no secrets between us, we were each others confidants. There was almost nothing that we didn't share. Whether through tears or laughs we were always together. Shani was the unique, the most positive person one could meet, never uttering a word of discontent or complaint. No matter how bad things were, she would say all is fine, I am good, TG. When Esther and I would try to talk seriously about her ails, she would say, let's talk about you guys, never wanting pity and never wanting her children to worry and be concerned. It was all about everyone else, never wanting to be a burden. Esther and I would say, she was not within the norm, never complain? We would always say to her, you can complain to us, we are here for you. 

We have had the most amazing friendship. Most people never have a privilege to experience a relationship like our threesome. We were totally connected at all times. Our lives will never be the same. A limb has been cut off.

Some Thoughts on Happiness

The following is an email sent by Shani to her children two years ago, prior to a surgery that she knew was life-threatening. 

Just a happy mothers day note from dear old mom.( although i decided not to send on mothers day)

I am awed by watching the miraculous order of G-ds nature unfolding in my backyard- u can see thru out nature , a mothers job is to give her child wings ,teach them to fly and watch them soar.Each year I watch the swans- hatch ugly ducklings- teach them to hunt 4 food and when strong enough teach them to fly. Then they turn into beautiful swans and fly off to start their own lives (so it seems) .

Fortunately children may leave the nest-- but dont always leave the neighborhood.- and I have really had the zichus to watch u all SOAR. I just have a few words of motherly advice , as you soar--- . (Its not torah me sinai-- -that your father and rabbiem have taught u well and i in turn have learned much from u.-- but) just some thoughts on happiness.

Enjoy and cherish every day- dont worry so much about 2morrow - on what might or might not happen- Do the best u can - but-- if you focus your worry on 2morrow - it makes u lose today AND 2morrow-- If something bad is going to happen it will happen u wont b able to deny it- at least u have 2day and so many wonderful things happen in TODAY

If something bad or unexpected happens You will deal with it - you r stronger then u think and maybe, some good will even come from it. Only G-d knows what lies ahead, whats just around the corner.

WE CANNOT WRITE THE SCRIPT We dont even always know what is good or bad sometimes its a matter of a persons perspective on life--- and whats truly important to them -one can only strive for the Best Torah Life

Always thank G-d for all the good that u have (and 4 the bad that u dont have) Nothing is a given --Appreciate it all - but try not to judge people

who don't seem to-- u NEVER really know what their true circumstances are- BUT-- do try to treat them as u would like them to treat u- (G-d created all of us)

And of course--try to do things with a smile- --nobody likes a grump ----your words of wisdom (and even help and criticism) are better accepted if given with a smile.

OK enough preaching--- I could keep going - but as u realize thats not the point of this message- (i can take lessons from u all on these topics) As I hope u realize the point of this all is to simply say----- I thank G-d every day that I am truly blessed with happiness(to b cliche- Yiddeshe Nachas)- - ---- Bumps in the road are just that and make me appreciate what i have more. I am sorry for how they affect u and ur father. My wings may b clipped 4 a short time but G-D willing all will b well (even better ---i hope and pray---- no pain no gain as they say)

So shut off this computer and go teach my grandchildren to Fly........ with G-ds help i will b there very soon to help love the tough old bird